Decisions

Cutting someone out of your life, even someone you absolutely know is toxic to you and your family, is so much harder in reality than in theory. Add to that the fact that this person is family and the difficulty is compounded.

For the past few months Steve and I have been struggling with a family member who's behavior has made her unsafe to be around. I've written a few times about my concerns and my own guilt at not being able to work this out with another adult....just giving up here doesn't seem to be the solution. I so want to fix things, make this right (or right-ER) talk it out, work it out....but when someone refuses to see their flaws, refuses to admit to any wrongdoing, won't even talk about it (and actually wants YOU to apologize)....eek! When this person goes out of their way to make you feel small and worthless and horrible....and feigns surprise that you are upset by this...then it's time to take a break.

My biggest concern is for my husband...he is not the target of said individuals wrath, but because he has taken my side (duh) he is collateral damage and the hurt is just as real. It pains me to be the cause of that hurt, however unintentional. He is such a kind man, a peacemaker, and to be honest, he is married to a bit of a hothead. I am, 'black and white in a grey world' and sometimes it gets me in trouble....but I am NOT unkind. I would never kick someone when they are down or knowingly hurt them, not even someone I despised. As soon as the tears start flowing I can barely scold my kids...I am at the core, a wimp. I do my best ranting on this blog or when I'm dealing with Verizon or Bank of America...real people intimidate me...mostly.

For years I've made a genuine effort to ingratiate myself into my husbands family. I remain slightly out of my comfort zone whenever we go to family functions (tho to give me some credit, we are ALL fairly uncomfortable at these get-togethers, even my husband) but over the years that feeling has decreased to the point where I don't spend the night before thinking up lame excuses to avoid the festivities. I have come to appreciate his family and wanted my children to have a relationship with the 'other' side. I still do...for the most part. But the time has come for a respite from the drama and mayhem of this individual. Maybe just a pause in the proceedings will calm everyone down to the point of being able to work things out...but to be honest, I doubt it. When someone says they've "moved on"....they've finished slashing you to pieces and want to simply walk away, wondering why you can't just "let it go" ...I find it difficult to believe they will ever see the error of their ways.

I can forgive just about anything, even without an apology, but I draw the line at intentional cruelty and pathological lying.